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scared
Monday, April 11, 2011 || 1:55 AM
I have never been this afraid of being in the presence of him. Of being in the same room as him. It scares me far too much. I'm worried that he'll hurt me. Deep down, I know he won't. But, the worry is still there. It's all there. I look at him and I want to cry.
I can't stop pretending.
Thankyou to my friends for supporting me through this. It means a lot to me. More than you think. just the feeling of knowing that someone is there, it makes me feel safe. Those three posts, all brought a smile to my face. Not a fake smile, a real one. So thank you :)
I was talking to you today, it seemed I was completely fine. It's all part of my facade. It's all a lie.
The reason I find it hard to unload my thoughts lately, is because I feel like I'm always whining about something. I'm scared that all of you will get sick of me. I'm afraid that you'll all leave me. I'm just scared.
My walls are slowly crumbling around me. Slowly, but steadily.
I haven't done anything idiotic or stupid. But, I make no promises. I can no longer make promises. I'm too scared I'll break them.
My subconcious will never let me believe what I want to. It keeps nagging me & telling me that no one cares. I know it's not true, but sometimes I believe it. And a tiny part of me dies.
I need to leave this house for a day to see my friends. I need to forget things and be the other me. The happy me. The fun me.
I'm changing.
It's only been one weekend. I need to see you both again. I do. I need to talk to someone about this. Not just through MSN or texting. I need both of you. You both understand me. I hope you know who you two are.
Please don't betray my trust. I need to know that you two will always be here for me. As I will for you two.
I would be in hell without you people.
Thank you.
