I feel like I'm changing. I don't understand this feeling. It's like I'm stronger but weaker at the same time. Like, I cry a lot less, but I cried today over something so tiny. It isn't making any sense to me. What was with that sudden outbreak of tears? Yes, it was only two tears before I had to wipe them away just in case someone realised. But it was still such an idiotic reason to cry. I felt so helpless, like I had no-one. Those few moments made me feel useless & weak.
I feel as we've grown closer this year. We seem to have more & more spats & small arguments, but I still feel so close to you. I like this feeling.
Is it weird that I read stories of rape & abuse? I will probably sound really selfish, but I read it because it reminds me that I don't have it bad. So many other people have it worse than me. Reading those stories is what makes me able to not hurt myself anymore & not just leave. Of course, my friends had impact on my decisions too.
I've thought of doing that again, but I thought of you guys, & it reminded me that there are people out there who care about me. And it made me happy.
Apparently, I don't smile as much anymore. I have to admit, I do fake my smile a lot now a days, & if anyone asked me why, I wouldn't be able to tell them, because truthfully, I'm not so sure myself. A lot goes through my mind in the course of one day. If there is no-one talking to me, then my mind wanders back to Year 8. And how insecure I was. How easily hurt I was. I wish that day wouldn't be so clear in my mind. That was the one day, I truly felt completely and utterly alone and humiliated and useless. I've never told anyone this, but it was the first time I did that. At the train station, where everyone I thought I was or use to be close to were laughing at me. Yeah, that day. It still haunts me.
I feel as if wherever I go, I get judged by my every move, but I'm going to put a stop to that and I'm going to be me. Shivani Jain. I'm going to do as I please & not have a care in the world of what other people think. 'Cause if i don't know them, I don't care what they think & if they're my friends they won't care. They'll be happy I'm happy, because that's what friends do :)
On a more positive note ..........................
Today, I had a great P.E lesson. I really enjoyed it. It made me feel so great about myself. I felt so happy to think that people really thought of me like that. Thank you to that small amount of people in 9K for making my day. (:
Rebecca & Jane;
Oh god, remember?
There are three types of -you know what- :
1. Here -points to place-
2. Here -points to place-
3. Here -points to place-
Oh wait. There's four.
4. And here -points to eyes-
& we were all guilty :P
'cause that's just how awesome we are ;D
To the Retard:
I'll hold you to our pact. (:
